why i hate the chevy malibu

ok so two nights ago i was backing into a spot that was right on the edge of a row of garages that tenants here at our complex are able rent with their apartments. i was backing around a corner and i crunched the back left bumper of my malibu into a pole. the pole was literally positioned half a foot into my parking spot. to add to the madness, it was painted the exact same color as the wall behind it. needless to say it wasn't like i was like, "hey, there's a pole... perhaps i'll keep backing up."

this leads me to why i hate the chevy malibu (and, for the record, i began hating my car immediately following my first post, and had begun hating many aspects of it even before i backed it into a pole):

reason 1: the car is literally 16 feet long 6 feet wide. you can see for yourself at edmunds.com. its nearly the size a police car.
reason 2: the car is that big and it's only got a 4-cylinder engine. it might even be slower than that prius i was originally so worried about. see, that's crazy to me. i would floor the accelerator at a stoplight and it would perform like a minivan carrying 5 adults, a cooler full of drinks, and a red canoe.
reason 3: for as slow and 4-cylidery as it was, it got the gas mileage of a Corvette in the middle of a drag race. the malibu has the same fuel capacity as any standard, mid-size sedan, yet, its tank is half empty in 100 miles.
reason 4: no sooner had i just got done talking about how i liked the newer, sleeker design of this model Malibu had Kristen already referred to it as a Barbie car by name. sigh.
reason 5: it's American -- and don't get me wrong; i'm not hating on American cars for the sake of hating on american cars. it's just that American cars are like PC's. we make them in mass quantity with little accountability or attention paid to their style and functionality. most businesses use them, perpetuating a fake sense of worth, due to the size of the organizations that are blindly consuming them.

ok. so maybe there were a couple good things about it. it did have a sleeker looking interior than most other American cars; and even though it was dubbed a Barbie car, i still think it looked kinda good. however, the cons win. where can i trade this sucka in?!