Hanging With the Freaks and Ghouls

Halloween is now upon us and it is time to discuss some last minute strategies for Friday's game. Whether you're terrorizing the town with poultry byproducts and toilet paper or supporting the entire dental profession with your large, tartar toting, cavity coercing wicker candy bowl, take a last minute look at the game plan before you get on the field.

For everyone who will be handing out candy this year, make sure to setup your offense by using the good stuff. Sure shots are Reese's, Starburst two-packs, Nerds, and Butterfingers. Jolly Rancher bars are okay because they are delicious; however they are often annoying to break into a pleasantly suckable size.

If you find that you are one who purchases the type of candy to fill all the nooks and crannies of trick-or-treater pillowcases, please be tasteful. Bottlecaps and Sweet Tarts are cute, but don't overdo it. If you are going to be sprucing up the ole candy-bag with a treats resembling three Advil, remember to add Smarties, standard-sized Jolly Ranchers, Tootsie Rolls, and/or Bazooka bubble gum to the mix for good measure.

The amazing thing about Bazooka and some others, is they fall into what I call the "potpourri" candy class. There are certain candies that hold as much worth in their smell as they do in their taste. You see this a lot in the gummy (i.e. Gummie Savers) and taffy (i.e. Now and Later) candy categories. These candies are delicious to some, but should be more specifically used to make the pillowcase as fully sensual as possible.

Now, candy is great, but we all know that Halloween is about more more than just rotting teeth and freakish garb; it's about community. And speaking of community, there is a decent chance that people will be hoodlumming and shenaniganning in yours this Halloween.

Don't be alarmed though; it is simply time to play a little defense. Like if anyone comes up to your house armed with two-dozen eggs, simply open your front door naked, start clucking at them, and begin to chase after them whilst shouting phrases like "Lend me some suga', I ammmm yo neighbor!" or "My name's Sydney and I loooooove scary movies!" Maintaining the cluck is crucial during the chase. You may get hit with an errant egg or two, but it is only because they fear you, and at least they aren't hitting the shutters that your landlord just painted.

Toilet paper is also a concern; yet the easiest way to ward off TPers is by TPing your own house first. This is a fool-proof plan for people living in neighborhoods notorious for TP offenses. Think about it. You can choose your own brand, where you want to put it, and limit the total quantity of paper distributed. Even the slightest TP decor in your yard will ward off pranksters. Nobody wants sloppy seconds when there are fresh properties nearby, even if you did only hit one tree or a few bushes.

If you encounter a TPing already in progress, please refer to the egging defense strategy.

To conclude, it's completely feasible to win tonight's big game. Just keep the cavities coming, the candy delicious, the pranks tasteful, and the prank retaliation nice and naked.

(Revised from a column I submitted to the GMU newspaper Broadside, back in 2005. My column, Sweat the Small Stuff, ran once-a-week during my Senior year.)

Of course, let's not forget the Halloween classic:

Holiday Hipsters - First Halloween Song