whatismartin Has Moved!

In trying to avoid the ever expanding reach of Google (that's not really the main reason, but it is funnier to pretend I am creeped out by Google), I am moving my blog over to Wordpress.  For a billion reasons.  But it's not to avoid you.

As excited as I was to start using the new Gmail-ified interface that Google just released for Blogger, I think it was just time to change it up.  Wordpress has a few more bells and whistles... and we all know how relevant bells and whistles are to the people of the 2000's.

(Seriously, why do we still use that phrase? We are never really referring to a shiny new passenger train; and I'm not a journalist from the 1880's who is excited about finally being able to make it from Denver to St. Louis in 2 days.)

Anyways, it's been real everyone.  I just feel like I need to say something in honor of the posts that will lay to rest on this page.

Check out the new/same blog at: http://whatismartin.wordpress.com

"I've Got More Rhymes Than The Bible's Got Psalms"

Wow!  That's a lot, right? 

This probably one of the most memorable lines from the 1992 House of Pain hit "Jump Around."  I'm sure Everlast and his crew had no idea that this song would rise to fame the way it did.  After all, it was on the playlist at the "out-of-control party" that Daniel Hillard threw for his son Chris in the hit 1993 cross-dressing nanny movie Mrs. Doubtfire, despite the fact it was forbidden by lame ole Sally Field!

Even though we know that an uphill battle ensued for Robin Williams, there was no uphill battle for House of Pain.  The song is still popular and played all over the place, even today.

But have we stopped and thought about how many rhymes Everlast is really claiming to have?

The Bible has 150 Psalms.  If we use "Jump Around" as a standard of how many rhymes Everlast might put in one song, we see it contains 55 rhymes in total (excluding the 86 iterations of the word "jump" repeated throughout the song).  With the Psalms as the standard to beat, he is just over that mark in about 3 songs.

He is basically saying that he has a reasonable amount of rhymes... perhaps enough for an EP.

It's sort of a weird benchmark.  Especially as an Irish dude, who has historically had beef with people like Eminem, Mark Wahlberg, DJ Quik, and even Cypress Hill for a short stint, you think he would shoot for a more impressive self-proclaimed standard.

"Watch out... you guys! / I've got about 3 songs worth of smack to dole out / Who wants it first? / There's not enough for everyone though, so let's / Jump, jump, jump, jump / Jump, jump, jump, jump" etc...

I just think it's weird, especially when you are talking smack for a whole album, and are arguing that you only have enough rhymes to release 1/4 of an album.  So not only do you seem lame, but did you have to plagiarize the other 3/4ths of the album to get it to release in time?

Are you a house of pain, or just like, an apartment of pain?
 
Are you like Arnold Schwarzenegger or are you like Jon Cryer?

Are you Irish, or are you... Welsh?
 
Well, regardless, I guess you just gotta "jump! jump! jump! jump! jump!"

We Don't Mean to be Prude

I think that is the problem these days.  No one means to be prude.

We place this phrase in front of things we say as a blast shield to protect ourselves from heavy rebuttals from people whom we are calling out for doing inappropriate things.  We do this, rather than truly believing it and, in the following case, coming to the defense of those that are exploited.

I just saw an article about how 17-year-old Dakota Fanning was put on the February cover of Cosmopolitan.  It has naturally already been the source of much debate between conservative groups, news sources, and liberal entertainment outfits.

New York Magazine writes, "We don't mean to be prude, but isn't she like, 17?"

I don't get why they don't mean to be prude.  If you were really concerned that an underage girl was put on the cover of a sex-focused magazine, you would just call them out.

But this way, you coin a cliched phrase, appear to be the good guy who gave one of your contemporaries a quick, just-for-thought jab, and move on.  But all you are really saying is, "in our hearts we may really believe this is wrong, but we don't want to seem uncool!"

They went on to finish their epic defense of this girl, who they admit Cosmo dressed in bunny ears in one photo (as if most people don't understand that connotation), with a middle-of-the-road attempt to quickly end the article, move on to the next topic, and not stir the pot.

So... they kind of said something profound?  I guess?  At least that's what we think now that the phrase "I don't mean to be prude" has become so abused that it just sounds like a good thing to say.  But if you think about it, it really doesn't mean anything except, "I am ashamed of walking the hard line and too nervous to own my beliefs."

Maybe if Americans did mean to be prude we would have less teenage girl actresses and singers serving as sex icons to men of all ages and to young girls starving for male attention.  Maybe these actresses and singers would be less inclined to grow up and feel like they need to keep pushing the sexual envelope to keep getting the attention they have been conditioned to need.

Maybe if America stopped consuming ad infinitum, and started thinking, caring, and serving ad infinitum, this stuff would work itself out, slowly.

But as long as we keep demanding, taking, wanting, and fighting for everything that is ours, everything that is our right and what we think we deserve, we will never mean to be prude.

And that is a problem.

A Revolution in Gmail Starring Options

Many of you may have, like me, just noticed Gmails new options for starring email -- even though it came out last Spring.  They are called Superstars:

You might be thinking, "sweet, so many ways to keep track of important email!"

And you've already started to get organized.  "Orange-star, work related.  Red-star, duh, Aaron.  Purple-star, parents.  Blue-star, my besties!!!  Green-star, Groupon reminders.  Red-bang (ok, whatever, I mean, I had to hover over the icon to know it was a bang and not an exclamation point but no big) will be allocated for important email chains."

"Now, the orange arrows--" Okay, let me stop you there.

Those aren't arrows.  See below:

Hello, it's an orange guillemet.  How do you not know that word?

(dictionary.com)



You are clearly missing the logical progression from colored stars to difficult french words that Firefox's spell check doesn't even recognize:

Blue star... yaay!  Green star... yay!

ORANGE GUILLEMET.

"Well, Charles de Calonne; if the rich do not agree to pay their fair share of taxes, they shall be beheaded.  Oh yes, and please mark any incoming messages you receive from me regarding the Bastille raid with the clever little orange-guillemet Gmail has provided.  Au Revoir."

I just think it is maybe a little presumptuous of our friends at Gmail to well, a) think Google Buzz would catch on, but more importantly b) think anyone had any idea what in the world an orange guillemet was.

Maybe it's just me, and, yeah, maybe I was an English major, but I operate in a world of arrows, carrots, pointy parenthesis.

Save the guillemets for Jeopardy.

Blog More

I'm trying to blog more, or so they say.

But what do you do when there's nothing to say?

Do I still waste your time like this anyways?

Yes?

Sincerely,
Martin

Flatliner

Today Kristen, Mike, Danielle, Joe, Becka and I went to the Buffalo Wing Factory.  If you haven't been there before, it's because you avoid places where Pabst Blue Ribbon is a way of life.  If you have been there before, you know about the Flatliner.

The Flatliner is a wing that will kick your butt.  It's not flavorful.  It's not good.  It's just hot for the sake of hot, and then very spicy on top of that.  It once caused someone I know to eat napkins.

However, I did not write this to tell you about someone who eats napkins.  I wrote this to tell you about someone who eats Flatliners like Chuck Norris would eat Flatliners.  No, scratch that.  Like how Chuck Norris combined with Jack Bauer and Scarface would eat an alive chicken.

I wrote this to tell you that Joe ate one and managed it like a pro.

Sure, as the wing was initially consumed, he gave some verbal insights that heat and spice sensations were ratcheting up.  And yeah, maybe his face turned pink for a few seconds.

But he just downed it.  He drank some water, and just handled it.  I've never seen someone eat one of those and act like a man so consistently from the initial point of consumption until the end of the meal.  Oh, I've seen people get up from the table to leave; but it is usually with ranch dressing cascading from their mouth as they beeline for the bathroom stall.

Some of you might be thinking, oh, well if you really knew about the Flatliner you would know that the real Flatliner challenge involves paying a $10 entry fee and eating 10 wings to get a t-shirt and your name on the wall.  And I would tell you that you can pay your mom a $10 entry fee and that Joe didn't need to eat 10.

You know why?  Cause Corey from the wall of fame ate 38.  There is just something wrong with that, and we don't have time to discuss those matters here.  But he ate 38.  Your name on the wall would just look so lame.  It would look as lame as the name of the lead singer of Foster the People when added this list:

- Jimi Hendrix
- Ronald Reagan
- Clint Eastwood
-

By eating just 1 with such grace and composure, Joe proved to us that he could probably have eaten 10, gotten the t-shirt and his name on the wall anyways, gotten his $10 entry fee back, punched Corey in the face and left the restaurant a hero.

So here's to Joe, consumer of somewhere between 10 and 39 Flatliners and, in my mind, king of the chicken.

Sunday Drive

Kristen and I live about 9 minutes away from church, door to door.  On a normal day, maybe we would see... actually, nothing out of the ordinary.  Just a couple cars, perhaps en route to various churches, or people attempting to get fresh produce from Giant (sorry, there is no trendy Trader Joes around here to reference).

But not today.

Today, we were still in our neighborhood and have not been driving for more than 2 minutes before we saw this on the side of the road:

Some crack investigation lead us to the conclusion that the vehicle was parked on the street, was slammed into from behind by probably a drunk or asleep driver early New Years morning, and was sent fishtailing counterclockwise 110 degrees into the lamppost.

I hope everyone was safely tucked into their beds when this occurred.  I hope no kids were walking along the road when this happened.  I hope no one was hurt.

Now, we haven't been driving for more than 4 more minutes, as we slow to a red light at the intersection of Potomac View Road and Route 7.  Across the street, we see another vehicle with an obliterated back end, spun, again, counterclockwise into a pole.  A black SUV sits facing us from across the road with a completely smashed front end, looking guilty and stupid.  Glass and gasoline have sprayed across all 3 lanes and cops are working to get it cleaned up.

I hope everyone was wearing their seatbelt.  I hope no one was walking in the crosswalk.  Again, I hope no one was hurt.

As if we hadn't had enough reminders in the 6 minutes we had been driving of how absolutely brainless it is to drive drunk, or sleepy, even when you think you are cool enough or "pro" enough to handle it, there is still yet another situation unfolding.

As we approach Cascades Parkway on Route 7, we look over into the car to the left and the driver has his head tilted backward and is starting at the ceiling.  For some reason he hasn't begun to drift into our lane, but we are just watching him, in shock, for at least 4 seconds.  He stares at the ceiling, either in complete slumber, or some combination of being hungover and tired.

I lay on the horn for 3-4 seconds, just to make sure he gets what is going on.  At first, it was for safety.  But since he was jarred awake around the 2 second mark, there was certainly 1-2 seconds worth of horn abuse aimed directly at him.  It was the least I could do.

His head rolled forward like a zombie.  He looked at his passenger-side mirror and seemed to have some sort of recollection of a horn beeping, but turned his head forward again and kept driving.  I'm almost positive he didn't even realize he fell asleep.

By the way, if you see "Golf 84" or "48" or whatever it was on the road, make sure to double check and make sure he isn't catching up on some sleep at 51mph.

2 wrecks, and 1 wreck-to-be on a 9 minute, 5 mile drive to church-- a drive that typically boasts, at worst, someone changing lanes without using a turn signal.

People need to get a clue.  Thousands of people are killed each year from idiots who think they are fine to drive and are really tired and/or drunk.  You are not the exception to the videos you saw in high school of the crazy drunk driving car wrecks... you know, the one of the guy who drove into oncoming traffic and decapitated an entire family.

It is you.

No one accidentally drives drunk.  It's a decision, and a poor one.  If you are going to put yourself in a situation where you are going to drop your guard and be prone to wretched decisions, have the maturity and the foresight to transfer your keys to a responsible person before you drink anything.

I'm amazed we haven't laid down stricter laws for drunk driving.  I'm amazed that so many people get a couple hours of community service and a couple thousand dollar fine, and move on and do it again.  For some people around here, it's pocket change and a minor inconvenience.

Loudoun County offers free cab service on New Years Eve, which is awesome; but the people calling for these cabs aren't the people who crashed the aforementioned vehicles.  They are the people who are already mature enough to arrange a safe ride, even if a free cab service wasn't available.

We can set up as many checkpoints as we want (except we really can't since no one has any money these days).  We can put as many PSAs on the radio with Sheriff John Bunnell from World's Scariest Police Chases telling us in an enthralling voice that a DUI equals hefty fines and oh no.... POINTS!

But couldn't we skip all this if getting caught while driving under the influence landed you a $50,000 fine and loss of your license for 5 years?  Couldn't we skip all this if second offenses always came with a $100,000 fine, 2 year minimum jail sentence, and 10 years without your license?

Do you think we would have such a big problem if a DUI conviction immediately bankrupted you?

What do you think busy, wealthy Americans would do if both their time and their money were jeopardized?  Would change at least come with the threat of socially and financially devastating punishments?

Who knows?  Maybe the irony would no longer be lost and even the most selfish people would start to agree that driving drunk wasn't even in their best interest.

Maybe you're reading this and thinking I'm being over the top.  But ask the family that lost their son, daughter, mom, cousin, or friend, to an accident that could have easily been avoided, and see if they think this sounds over the top.

I guess I was just disappointed to see such cliched and unfortunate situations on the road in such a short period of time on the morning of New Years Day.

What a bad way to bring in the new year.

What a embarrassing way to show the world what you're made of on the one day of the year in which the world wants to know what you're going to do with yourself this year.

Let's do better this year.  Let's think of others and put them before ourselves.  I know I have so much room to grow in this area.  I'm still trying to get better at it.

I just encourage you not to live this year like you can control whether or not it is your last.

You really just... can't.

"Now listen, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.” You do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes.  Instead, you ought to say, “If it is the Lord’s will, we will live and do this or that.”" -- James 4:13-15

The Next Phase

I'm excited about 2012.  Not just because I am interested to see the anticlimax of the Mayan Calendar predictions, but also because of things that are beginning to congeal on the creative front.  More info to come.  Until then, enjoy spending your gift cards from Christmas and have a reasonable time ringing in another big one.

-m-

Rebecca Black Strikes Back!

Don't give up on her, world!  Rebecca Black is back with a new song that proves to the world that, yeah, maybe the first song wasn't very great, but tons of money and some momentum will get you a song that is decently better... but still not great!

If you are looking for more 14 year old kids hanging out on Friday evenings and driving cars without seatbelts, or 35 year old men rapping about Rebecca Black, you are in the wrong place.  This time you'll see a full cast of hair salon ladies, paparazzi, and a crew of dancers that are 4,000% more qualified to be dancing than Rebecca herself!

You may be confused as to what she is doing at 1:14; but have no fear, it is all over at 1:16.  Also, do not be confused by the person strumming an electric guitar in the music video.  Of course, we all know there is no electric guitar at any point on the recording; but everyone knows, it doesn't matter what genre you are, younger kids just don't know what is going on if it doesn't look like a 4-piece, classic-looking rock band isn't backing her up.

Watch out Miley Cyrus.  Remember, Katie Perry chose Rebecca to be in her new video.  Not you.

Blog Update

It is updated.

Subway's Menu Is Just... Horrible

As if there wasn't enough to complain about Subway (skimping on toppings, over-toasting your sandwich, giving you the nub, 5" end of a bad cut of a footlong loaf of bread, etc...), their menu layout is downright terrifying.

Sure, most people already know what they want to eat at Subway before they walk in the door.  But if you're like me and always looking for a bargain, you actually do keep track of things like their sub-of-the-month, along with their infamous and ever-changing (even though they think no one is paying attention) $5 Footlong deals.  Sort of like when dollar stores went from being stores where everything was a dollar to stores where everything was a multiple of one dollar.

This is what you see when you walk into most Subway restaurants -- absolute textual and informational anarchy:



























What in the world is going on?!  There is no start, end, flow, or logic to the menu whatsoever.  It looks like sections were pasted together by Ms. Frizzle's elementary school kids on the floor of the bus as they traveled through Barry Bond's cardiovascular system.

Going in order from the text that is most visible to the text that is least visible we see:
- Pizza
- Premium Double Stacked Subs
- Piled High
- Choices
- New Prime Rib
- Extras

I feel like I'm looking at the word bank of a Subway word find.

Now, I'm no organizational guru, nor am I an interior decorator, nor a professional graphic designer, nor do I work at the Container Store; but when I think of how a Subway menu should be laid out, I don't think it should start with Pizza.

Call me crazy, but I think it should read:
- $5 Footlongs
- Other Subs
- Pizza
- Soups
- Sides
- Drinks

I know this new format might be confusing for those of you that were really into Choose Your Own Adventure books, but most of America reads left to right.

Subway, you are lame.  Organize your menu.

-m-

New Best Buy Commercial

Best Buy commercials are typically yawn fests that frustrate me beyond belief.  I think they frustrate me most because I don't think Best Buy is ever the best buy.  Their commercials are just vehicles used to schmooze technology-inept Americans into services they don't need (ahem... Geek Squad) and products that are most assuredly cheaper online (i.e. their entire stock).

I will confess: we bought our last TV from Best Buy.  I'm not saying they don't have deals... occasionally.  What I am saying is their ads are obnoxious because I can't stand the thought of millions of technology zombies continuing to be fooled into taking their computers to Geek Squad, even if just one more time, because they don't know how to transfer the files from their old computer to the one that they believe they just best bought.

What's that?  No, of course this doesn't have anything to do with the fact that this store once detained me and had Fairfax County Police frisk me because they thought I had put a video game in my pants -- despite having purchased $600 in car stereo equipment only moments before and despite the fact that they didn't have a single camera showing me do it.  (By the way, if there are any car stereo thieves reading this... you are too late...  one time I parked my car in downtown Atlanta and, well, you know the rest!).

All frisking aside, whoever is making their current commercials is making me laugh.  I saw this commercial on TV yesterday and I think it is hilarious:


You got the wrong TV, silly head.

The Sound Of Better Music

Christmas is just around the corner, and with it, we all do what we can to find the Christmas music we like.  But if we're being honest, much of it has become redundant.  Do we really need to hear every single artist come out with another version of "Oh Holy Night?"  How many actresses-turned-singers doing their wretched version of "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree" will it take before someone takes action?

Well, I'm here to help.  Consider this a nudge in a different direction.  It might not be perfect, but it's sure to sandblast the mall-grade Christmas music residue that's caked on everyone so far this season.






Key
youtube = listen for free
amazon = 9 times out of 10 cheaper than itunes
itunes = trendier/more likely to have a gift card

A Few Good Albums
The Family Force 5 Christmas Pageant (Family Force 5)
youtube  amazon  itunes 


This album goes where you want it to go, especially if you're one who is particularly tired of the same Christmas music routine.  A mix of rock, rap, and programming that will turn those ugly Christmas sweaters into trendy Christmas RVCA hoodies!

Let It Snow Baby... Let It Reindeer (Relient K)

youtube  amazon  itunes 
See what a pop punk Christmas looks like as every lady's (at least vocal) heartthrob, Matt Theissen, and his boys in Relient K dish out the pop Christmas charm.  It's cool cause if you don't love pop rock, there's still something on here for you.  Just anything but Reba.

Happy Christmas Vol. 4 (Various Artists - including: The Almost, Anberlin, Mae)

youtube  amazon  itunes 
Many of the artists at Tooth and Nail Records bring it home with a new take on some classics, and some originals as well!  Who knows, Kenny Vasoli of The Starting Line/Person L might just show up to lend a hand.

Wish Upon A Star (Meaghan Smith)

youtube  amazon  itunes 
If you liked the voice of Zooey Deschanel in the movie Elf, you'll probably appreciate Meaghan Smith.  Ironically, Deschanel, who is widely known for her sweet singing voice in the movie, attempted to venture into the music industry, yet boasts no Christmas music outside of the movie.  Meaghan, however, is sure to bring a new appreciation to the music your grandparents are still listening to.  Just ignore the dumb hat she is wearing on the album cover.

A Few Good Jams
"I Won't Be Home For Christmas" (Blink 182)

"Last Christmas" (Jimmy Eat World)

"Do You Hear What I Hear" (Copeland)
"Carol of the Bells" (August Burns Red)  ...and many, many more!

But before you go and blow all of that iTunes gift card, don't forget to download the best jam of all time: "Greatest Time of Year" by Aly and Aj!

A word to the wise:  if you're looking for the worst Christmas song of the season, feel free to check out Katy Perry's "White Christmas"!  You should especially tune in around 2:00.

Another great option would be to check out Aretha Franklin's rendition of "Angels We Have Heard On High."  It is the perfect example of giving a famous artist too much credit outside of her time. 

Hope this gets you started, and feel free to leave some other suggestions!  You're welcome, America.

In Short: Deluxe Music

I'm so done with artists that release an "album" and a "deluxe album."  I understand that a lot of it is probably driven by their label; but it just sends off this nasty message of "hey, you could download the poor people songs -- or, if you really love us you can download the DELUXE ALBUM that has 3 extra songs and a video of all of our shenanigans in the studio that are only funny to us while we were recording that song of ours that you love!"

I don't want to have to determine how much I love an artist at the point of sale.  Their music should dictate that, not the amount of content up for grabs.

In Us We Trust

In a sermon at Reston Bible Church last Sunday, Mike Minter was talking about American currency and explained how ironic it was that "the very thing we should trust in the least has written on it the very Person we should trust in the most."

And yet we still ignore Him.  We are trusting in ourselves and our money more and more, and trusting in God less and less.  Soon, He will be a figment of this country's imagination, if He isn't already.

We attempt to run as far away from God as possible, but not so far that we can't still keep the hearty image of "the man upstairs" too far from our minds -- mainly for those times catastrophe strikes and we are humbled to the point where the frailty of life is apparent and we as humans are crying out for purpose and meaning (enter, God).

You might be familiar with Social Cycle Theory, or at least the phrase "history repeats itself."  Funny how quickly hate, hurt, and death consume cultures like cancer in a fragile body when God is seen as the barrier to freedom instead of the answer.

Why do we even bother to print the words "In God We Trust" on our money?  Why does our Pledge of Allegiance pledge to remain "under God?"

Surely our forefathers would have been smart enough to write "In Us We Trust" on our money, if that was the original intention.  They would have elected for us to repeat the words "...one nation, motivated by the power of what we can do for ourselves...," if those were truly the principles upon which this country was founded.

But when disaster strikes, it breaks us, and we are lost, and in our desperation (which is coincidentally the point where we realize we are very, very small in this very large world) we pray, and start calling out to God on the news and in public forums.

And even those who question "how could God let this happen to us?" acknowledge God, even if they don't understand Him.